Whoever told me that "Type A" personas don't exist anymore today has not visited my campus. Today, as I was walking around it's semi newly renovated grounds, I thought about how so many people would kill to be here. It's gorgeous, the funding is amazing, the library has books most other institutions dream of, and the professors are first rate. Then I thought about how many people have killed themselves in the last year due to "being here" and realized that nothing is worth killing yourself over. Even grad school.
Yet here I am, up at 1am, proofing a cover letter because I feel as though that's what "insert name of very prestigious school here" students do. According to the grad students and professors who surround me, to get to the top, you are supposed to sacrifice things - your sleep, your friends, your vacations, your family...your sanity. At this point in my life, I have come really close to questioning just what is at the "top" - is the cheese at the end of the maze REALLY that tasty?
I suppose the prestige is lovely, at least momentarily. If I get that amazing position at a famous teaching or research institution after grad school, my advisors and fellow graduate students will praise me. But then comes the 3-5 years of grueling work trying to achieve glowing teaching evaluations and peer-reviewed journal publications. At a time when most women are trying to conceive, I'll be downing caffeine and anything else that'll keep me awake long enough to grade my papers, write those articles, publish a book, fulfill my committee responsibilities, organize conference sessions, and develop new coursework and lectures.
The sad thing about this whole process is that I love teaching. I love writing. I love all those individual things...but when done at the same time life becomes miserable. I've seen it in the tired faces of my advisors who have gone through the tenure process. And these are people who are robots in my eyes!
But I'm still sending off my job applications because I know I can handle the workload. I have never been one to back down from a challenge. But therein lies my problem - I am drawn to huge obstacles, so much so that I often neglect everything and everyone around me to prove to myself I can do it. In fact, I do better working under pressure. For some reason my writing and teaching is better under time constraints.
Sigh. I just hope I am not crazy for wanting a career that means I neglect many other aspects of life. My spouse has come to accept my grad school schedule (waking up early, going to bed late, being cranky due to these things) and my book spending habits (thank you spouse, you are wonderful), to the point that he knows when I should be up working because he can see it in my eyes when I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep. I hope this is the life I want.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Deflecting Negativity
This weekend was great - I celebrated my wedding anniversary, had an amazing dinner at the best French restaurant ever, and enjoyed a baseball game with the spouse. But this blog isn't about my lovely experiences. Heck, what else are blogs good for if not to vent?
I have worked very hard to keep people who give off "bad vibes" out of my life. In fact, I lecture my friends about staying away from these types of people on a regular basis. It's amazing what draw and lure these sorts of people have, though. I have one "friend" in particular who fits the bill. She is rarely in my life (none of you who are reading this are this friend! duh!) and has very little influence on me.
But I admit it - I am drawn to her like a bee to honey. Her drama is infectious. Perhaps because I do my best to keep all drama out of my life...so when someone has so much of it it's just too much to look away from. Sort of like my addiction to tmz.com or perezhilton.com. Everyone's trash is so much better than my very quiet life.
This week I shared dinner with her. I went into the affair chanting to myself, "I will not let her effect my state of being." But as the conservation wore on, I found myself complaining about things I don't normally complain about, and listening to her gossip with nodding approval. When I left her, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why did I feel so bad about seeing someone who is supposedly my friend? What is it about her that makes me feel worthless?
I asked my spouse what he thought and he said he doesn't think he would be friends with her because she's selfish. My best friend, who has met her, also said she's bad news. Which is why I limit my meetings with her to one or two a year. She is somewhat of a colleague so for it's important we hang out. But on the same hand, I also don't want to look like her "best friend" because I think other people see her in the same light. One of my other best friends on campus avoids her like the plague, and she is someone I hold in high regard.
So what did I learn from this week's dinner date? That I need to be a stronger person and not get sucked into other people's dirt. It's so very hard to say to someone "look, let's talk about positive stuff" when they're in the middle of bitching about their financial situation or coworker. It's not that I mind if my best friends are complaining about these topics...but with her, everything is so one-sided. Part of me also thinks that I need to cut her out of my life completely without making it obvious (ie saying I have other commitments if she asks me out).
But I won't. Why? Because I also need to learn to deal with people like her...because in my field, that's how the majority of people act. I simply need to hover above all the drama and learn to deflect negativity. To walk out of dinner dates like that unscathed. I need to toughen up! So here's to yet another 2007 resolution that hopefully I can keep.
I have worked very hard to keep people who give off "bad vibes" out of my life. In fact, I lecture my friends about staying away from these types of people on a regular basis. It's amazing what draw and lure these sorts of people have, though. I have one "friend" in particular who fits the bill. She is rarely in my life (none of you who are reading this are this friend! duh!) and has very little influence on me.
But I admit it - I am drawn to her like a bee to honey. Her drama is infectious. Perhaps because I do my best to keep all drama out of my life...so when someone has so much of it it's just too much to look away from. Sort of like my addiction to tmz.com or perezhilton.com. Everyone's trash is so much better than my very quiet life.
This week I shared dinner with her. I went into the affair chanting to myself, "I will not let her effect my state of being." But as the conservation wore on, I found myself complaining about things I don't normally complain about, and listening to her gossip with nodding approval. When I left her, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why did I feel so bad about seeing someone who is supposedly my friend? What is it about her that makes me feel worthless?
I asked my spouse what he thought and he said he doesn't think he would be friends with her because she's selfish. My best friend, who has met her, also said she's bad news. Which is why I limit my meetings with her to one or two a year. She is somewhat of a colleague so for it's important we hang out. But on the same hand, I also don't want to look like her "best friend" because I think other people see her in the same light. One of my other best friends on campus avoids her like the plague, and she is someone I hold in high regard.
So what did I learn from this week's dinner date? That I need to be a stronger person and not get sucked into other people's dirt. It's so very hard to say to someone "look, let's talk about positive stuff" when they're in the middle of bitching about their financial situation or coworker. It's not that I mind if my best friends are complaining about these topics...but with her, everything is so one-sided. Part of me also thinks that I need to cut her out of my life completely without making it obvious (ie saying I have other commitments if she asks me out).
But I won't. Why? Because I also need to learn to deal with people like her...because in my field, that's how the majority of people act. I simply need to hover above all the drama and learn to deflect negativity. To walk out of dinner dates like that unscathed. I need to toughen up! So here's to yet another 2007 resolution that hopefully I can keep.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I have no "patients"!!
I don't normally make fun of students' or others' grammatical/spelling issues because Lord knows I am not a genius when it comes to mastering the English language or any other language for that matter, but seriously, why does it seem like everyone as of late has been spelling "patience" (i.e. "I have no patience for lazy students") as "patients." I received three emails from 2 students and 1 professional person who I'm working with (I won't name names) who have signed their emails with "Thank you for your patients" in the last two weeks.
At first, I thought perhaps the OED had decided to change the spelling of the word because the term had become common slang. So I went to m-w.com and found out that clearly that isn't the issue. Sigh. I guess it's just our super crappy educational system that has let these students slip by with lazy grammar and spelling.
But then I'm left wondering about my role as a teacher when I get these sorts of emails. Do I email them back, play the part of Super Snobby Professor, and tell them it's "patieNCE" not "patients?" Or do I just let them go through life unaware of the fact they sound incredibly ignorant when they sign their emails with that phrase? I certainly appreciate being corrected if I'm spelling something wrong, using the wrong phrase/word, or grammatically incorrect. But I think I might be the exception.
So for now, I guess I'll just let them continue signing their emails with "patients." Hehe.
At first, I thought perhaps the OED had decided to change the spelling of the word because the term had become common slang. So I went to m-w.com and found out that clearly that isn't the issue. Sigh. I guess it's just our super crappy educational system that has let these students slip by with lazy grammar and spelling.
But then I'm left wondering about my role as a teacher when I get these sorts of emails. Do I email them back, play the part of Super Snobby Professor, and tell them it's "patieNCE" not "patients?" Or do I just let them go through life unaware of the fact they sound incredibly ignorant when they sign their emails with that phrase? I certainly appreciate being corrected if I'm spelling something wrong, using the wrong phrase/word, or grammatically incorrect. But I think I might be the exception.
So for now, I guess I'll just let them continue signing their emails with "patients." Hehe.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Musings of an Insomniac
Here I am, up again at nearly 2am WIDE AWAKE. This is a good thing tonight because I actually wrote a significant portion of my first dissertation chapter...one that didn't really come to me until today. This frightens me because somehow between now and late December I'm supposed to churn out 2 more chapters in addition to teaching my own course, developing my own course and lining up speakers for my own winter course, TA-ing a course that I wasn't planning on TA-ing this quarter (yay for departmental requirements!), applying for jobs, writing two grant applications, and preparing three talks for conferences in November and December. This chapter has been in the works for nearly 3 months. I cannot be this thorough with other chapters or else I'm never going to graduate.
Yes, I am a tend to be a self-imposed Type A personality (which is a psychological category that ceases to exist nowadays according to my psych friends..but anyhow:). But this quarter I really thought I had everything planned out and somewhat manageable...and then this TA-ing responsibility gets thrown into my lap which I honestly didn't expect to happen. It's my fault for assuming such a thing and I take full responsibility for my naivete, but nonetheless this quarter (which starts September 29th I believe) is going to be a killer. Probably the most challenging quarter of my academic career...of course, I thrive on these sorts of challenges but I really didn't intend to spend my 5th year of grad school sleepless and exhausted (wasn't that what years 1,2,3, and 4 were for??). At least that's how I feel right now and school hasn't even started.
The sad thing about my schedule is that I love all these opportunities. I like writing job cover letters and CVs - this process forces me to clarify my research objectives and dissertation project. I love teaching and I've been assigned a great course to TA. I love researching for and writing my dissertation. I enjoy the conference environment because it's great place to network and hear new ideas/schools of thought. Plus it's a free ticket and hotel room in a new, exciting place. I absolutely love having the freedom to develop and design my own course...that's what I've been going to school for. I'm not so much into grants but I can handle them if I don't have a gazillion things going on...oh wait, I do. Ugh. All these things combined add up to misery and stress. Thank goodness I'm exercising and eating right or else I'd be a nutcase by now.
Other than work, life is good. There isn't much time for non-work activities but I did get in a number of hours at my pool with the hubby this weekend which was great. We also ventured out to the city with the hubby's good friend who visited for a night last week....and enjoyed some amazingly garlicly food at The Stinking Rose. It was great.
Oh yes, and my new life motto is "be the person you imagine yourself to be." Lame, I know...but I spent a lot of time last year lamenting about how I "should" be doing this or working on that, which added up to a ton of hours wasted on procrastination. Now I try to keep to the schedule I set for myself because if I do, I know I'll be proud of myself and not regret wasting that time. So far it's working out well. I reward myself for sticking with the schedule by going out to lunch (nothing big - just a Togo's sandwich instead of my home-cooked lunches). This allows me to get out of the house for once as I spend only 1-2 hours a day outside of it. Despite having my doggie companions, it can be a bit confining to say the least!
Okay, I am tired. This is a sign that perhaps my body is giving up the idea that I'm an insomniac. Goodnight!
Yes, I am a tend to be a self-imposed Type A personality (which is a psychological category that ceases to exist nowadays according to my psych friends..but anyhow:). But this quarter I really thought I had everything planned out and somewhat manageable...and then this TA-ing responsibility gets thrown into my lap which I honestly didn't expect to happen. It's my fault for assuming such a thing and I take full responsibility for my naivete, but nonetheless this quarter (which starts September 29th I believe) is going to be a killer. Probably the most challenging quarter of my academic career...of course, I thrive on these sorts of challenges but I really didn't intend to spend my 5th year of grad school sleepless and exhausted (wasn't that what years 1,2,3, and 4 were for??). At least that's how I feel right now and school hasn't even started.
The sad thing about my schedule is that I love all these opportunities. I like writing job cover letters and CVs - this process forces me to clarify my research objectives and dissertation project. I love teaching and I've been assigned a great course to TA. I love researching for and writing my dissertation. I enjoy the conference environment because it's great place to network and hear new ideas/schools of thought. Plus it's a free ticket and hotel room in a new, exciting place. I absolutely love having the freedom to develop and design my own course...that's what I've been going to school for. I'm not so much into grants but I can handle them if I don't have a gazillion things going on...oh wait, I do. Ugh. All these things combined add up to misery and stress. Thank goodness I'm exercising and eating right or else I'd be a nutcase by now.
Other than work, life is good. There isn't much time for non-work activities but I did get in a number of hours at my pool with the hubby this weekend which was great. We also ventured out to the city with the hubby's good friend who visited for a night last week....and enjoyed some amazingly garlicly food at The Stinking Rose. It was great.
Oh yes, and my new life motto is "be the person you imagine yourself to be." Lame, I know...but I spent a lot of time last year lamenting about how I "should" be doing this or working on that, which added up to a ton of hours wasted on procrastination. Now I try to keep to the schedule I set for myself because if I do, I know I'll be proud of myself and not regret wasting that time. So far it's working out well. I reward myself for sticking with the schedule by going out to lunch (nothing big - just a Togo's sandwich instead of my home-cooked lunches). This allows me to get out of the house for once as I spend only 1-2 hours a day outside of it. Despite having my doggie companions, it can be a bit confining to say the least!
Okay, I am tired. This is a sign that perhaps my body is giving up the idea that I'm an insomniac. Goodnight!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Insomnia Rules
I decided to follow a friend on her trek from public to anonymous blogging so here's my first blog. Please don't expect any coherence to it because when I write blogs, I free-write. I spend enough of my day writing precisely so by the end of the day it's amazing I can put a complete sentence together.
Anyhow, the past week or so has been insane. One of my dogs (little dog) had surgery on Friday. Since then, she has been waking up around 2-3am every evening and wanting out of her crate. When little dog wants out of the crate, she will do everything in her power to let the house know (ie crying, whining, barking, whimpering, scratching at the crate). Luckily, I've had so much work lately that I've been up to entertain her. Last night, for instance, I was up writing until 3am and heard her start her fit around 1am-ish. I brought her in my office (so the spouse could get some sleep) and kept her in my lap. By the time I was ready to go to bed (3am-ish), I took her on a walk so she would get all her energy out.
Keep in mind, I live in a semi-ghetto neighborhood. Walking at 3am - not so smart. But seeing as how I was exhausted, I figured f-it. I need sleep and if this is the only way to get her to be tired and sleepy, I don't mind getting mugged. I went on a 15 minute walk with her, which usually exhausts little dog. Not tonight! She kept me and the spouse up for another 45 minutes...whining, crying, etc. Fun times, especially when both of us have to get up early and work.
Needless to say, I am running on empty. When I get to this point (which usually happens during my crunch times throughout the year), I get insomnia. Really, really bad insomnia. I used to be entertained by it because one of my former friends also had it. We'd stay up late in college chatting about our insomnia and how crappy it was. I can usually snap out of it if I force myself to go to bed at a normal time (11pm). We'll see what happens tonight.
In other news, little dog has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. In a nutshell, it means that her body is attacking itself. We are waiting to hear back about the next step in treatment because they ran a bunch more tests to verify that she actually has this rare disease. It's a bummer but hopefully little dog will live a normal, happy life with treatment and meds. Big dog is doing okay - he had a seizure on Saturday night, which freaked me and the spouse out because it's been a LONG time since he's had em'. He won't be going back on the meds until we witness another seizure.
Life has been crazy and hectic this past month and it seems as though things just keep piling on. I have to TA this quarter, something I just found out today....which means that I will have a ton of work in addition to writing job applications, putting together a teaching portfolio, preparing for the course I'm teaching in winter, teaching my online class, meeting my publication deadlines, attending conferences, and, of course, writing my dissertation. I have no idea how I am going to make it through this quarter. I think it is the busiest quarter yet for me....but everything I'm doing I love so it's hard to complain. I think I'll just be pulling a lot of late nights until winter quarter comes. I feel overwhelmed but again, I really enjoy the writing and reading I'm doing right now so I shouldn't whine.
Other than all this drama, life is good. I am really excited about the next two years and graduating with my Ph.D. I love my house, my neighbors (not my hood'), and everyone around me is healthy (with the exception of little dog).
Anyhow, the past week or so has been insane. One of my dogs (little dog) had surgery on Friday. Since then, she has been waking up around 2-3am every evening and wanting out of her crate. When little dog wants out of the crate, she will do everything in her power to let the house know (ie crying, whining, barking, whimpering, scratching at the crate). Luckily, I've had so much work lately that I've been up to entertain her. Last night, for instance, I was up writing until 3am and heard her start her fit around 1am-ish. I brought her in my office (so the spouse could get some sleep) and kept her in my lap. By the time I was ready to go to bed (3am-ish), I took her on a walk so she would get all her energy out.
Keep in mind, I live in a semi-ghetto neighborhood. Walking at 3am - not so smart. But seeing as how I was exhausted, I figured f-it. I need sleep and if this is the only way to get her to be tired and sleepy, I don't mind getting mugged. I went on a 15 minute walk with her, which usually exhausts little dog. Not tonight! She kept me and the spouse up for another 45 minutes...whining, crying, etc. Fun times, especially when both of us have to get up early and work.
Needless to say, I am running on empty. When I get to this point (which usually happens during my crunch times throughout the year), I get insomnia. Really, really bad insomnia. I used to be entertained by it because one of my former friends also had it. We'd stay up late in college chatting about our insomnia and how crappy it was. I can usually snap out of it if I force myself to go to bed at a normal time (11pm). We'll see what happens tonight.
In other news, little dog has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. In a nutshell, it means that her body is attacking itself. We are waiting to hear back about the next step in treatment because they ran a bunch more tests to verify that she actually has this rare disease. It's a bummer but hopefully little dog will live a normal, happy life with treatment and meds. Big dog is doing okay - he had a seizure on Saturday night, which freaked me and the spouse out because it's been a LONG time since he's had em'. He won't be going back on the meds until we witness another seizure.
Life has been crazy and hectic this past month and it seems as though things just keep piling on. I have to TA this quarter, something I just found out today....which means that I will have a ton of work in addition to writing job applications, putting together a teaching portfolio, preparing for the course I'm teaching in winter, teaching my online class, meeting my publication deadlines, attending conferences, and, of course, writing my dissertation. I have no idea how I am going to make it through this quarter. I think it is the busiest quarter yet for me....but everything I'm doing I love so it's hard to complain. I think I'll just be pulling a lot of late nights until winter quarter comes. I feel overwhelmed but again, I really enjoy the writing and reading I'm doing right now so I shouldn't whine.
Other than all this drama, life is good. I am really excited about the next two years and graduating with my Ph.D. I love my house, my neighbors (not my hood'), and everyone around me is healthy (with the exception of little dog).
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